This project, like most things I’ve done in my life, has been a failure in many ways. If the point of a creative project is to grow a following, I have failed. If the purpose is to enjoy monetary success, I have also failed. Even if the goal is to simply create art on a consistent basis, I have failed at that as well.
But I don’t see this as a failure.
Music, for me, has always been a way for me to understand and express my emotions. Feelings without words, thoughts turned into sounds. It has been brutal at times (most times, if I’m honest). I always felt I was in a constant battle with myself to make something more out of my music than what was happening, and because of that, I have let down people who were involved in making music with me along the way. Some of those people I have apologized to for being unreliable, selfish, and at times just stupid.
Writing music almost never came easy for me. Most of the time it was a relentless struggle to find something worth saying or playing. On top of that, the insecurities of trying to be a songwriter would impose themselves in the form of crushing self-doubt. Maybe I’m just not cut out for that life, or maybe I don’t want it is bad as everyone else.
From the age of 13 until around 19, music was my escape from reality. It was a solace for my sorrow and gave me a release for the pain I couldn’t describe or understand. Playing drums was a way to work out my anger and aggression while writing lyrics helped me process some of what was happening around me.
Having a band to play in also gave me a much-needed friendship and something to look forward to during the most difficult time in my life. Doing this thing alone is 100 times harder than it was with a band, and ultimately it’s not why I started or what I want out of it anymore. It used to be a way to get me out of my shell, but lately, it has been a way for me to stay in it.
Over the last 15 years or so, I’ve slowly been adding more positive things into my life that are taking the place of music but also offer more healing and hopefulness. One is my family, and now because I have four kids I not only want to do things with them but they have replaced a part of me that wanted to make time for myself to make music. I have also started other hobbies that I think will be more healthy to pursue in this and the next stages of life.
I may continue to play music once in awhile, but I have no plans to release anything and all current projects are on hold indefinitely. To those of you who were expecting or looking forward to new music from me, I’m sorry. Perhaps if my kids take up an interest someday, I will find a way to continue doing it in a fulfilling and meaningful way.
But for now, at least, this is where the second chapter of my musical life comes to an end.